“How was your day?”
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
“How are you?”
“I hope you’re feeling better”
“Have a good day today!”
“I miss you”
“Can you come over?”
“Can I come over?”
“Can I see you?”
“Can I call you?”
“Want something to drink?”
“Watch your step”
“Let’s watch a movie”
“What are you up to?”
“How is your day so far?”
“It will be okay”
“I’m here for you”
“Do you need anything?”
“Are you hungry?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
“You just made my day”
You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.
I feel so incredibly lost. I feel like I havent amounted to anything. At 25- I can say that yes, I have accomplished more than most people, but almost all of it was in the past. I haven’t done anything the past 3 years. I was so successful, I graduated early and held a salary paying job at 21 years old. I also traveled in between and was able to successfully stick it out as I was extremely anxious the entire time I was away.
In 2011, I left that job and was unemployed for 3 months. I blew through my savings and began to realize that the real world was tough as shit and not everything is handed to you on a silver platter. I began nannying and hustled my way to pay the bills. I told myself in march of 2012 that I would leave Austin when my lease ended and move out to Chicago. I sold my couch and began staying at my friends place until I made a decision on what to do. I became complacent and met a boy (who would do more harm than good) and who would also change my plans entirely. I continued to live in Austin, while being extremely depressed and in love with someone who was so wrong for me. I stayed in the relationship the entire year and when we broke up in dec 2012 I was ready to finally start living for myself. Unfortunately, we got back together in February of 2013 and I continued to be miserable up until May when I finally ended it. The rest of the year was mainly full of heartaches and short term lovers and more struggling as I did nothing to fix the situation I had been in the past couple years. Flash forward to 2014 and I’m still in Austin, same apartment, same friends, same stupid nannying job. With the exception that I’ve finally began applying to jobs, I still as am complacent as ever.
I envy those who have it “together,” who have hobbies and are actually going places. I just don’t know when I got so lost and where I misplaced myself along the way. I know I have this potential but I can’t find it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I dont have it anything left in me. I want to be happy and know what I’m passionate about, but so much has changed throughout the years, that I don’t know who I am.
They say it’s good to struggle and to have these moments of oh fuck-where is my life going- but really, what’s the point in this when I don’t know what it’s going to take to get my life on the right track again.
I had a friend come stay with me this past weekend and she questioned why I was so depressed. In her eyes, I have it made. I have a job, I make my own money, pay my own bills, have a nice place and am able to live and go out in one of the best cities in the world. And maybe there are other people like her who believe my life really isn’t all so bad.. And honestly it’s not, but it’s just not what I envisioned for myself at 25.
My birthday weekend gpoy
I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
We never know when the bus is coming.